Review - The Beauty Queen of Leenane - Theatre Pro Rata - 5 stars

It shouldn’t be as much fun as it is to watch a play like Martin McDonagh’s The Beauty Queen of Leenane. After all, the character’s lives are no picnic.  And a lot of the time they don’t treat one another very well.  But, man, is it funny.  So even when you really shouldn’t be laughing, you can’t help yourself.

“May you be half an hour in heaven afore the devil knows you’re dead.”

A lot of the humor in The Beauty Queen of Leenane comes from familiarity.  This may be set in a rural community in Ireland of the 1990s, but family dynamics translate easily across time, oceans and accents.  It’s an undying truth that no one drives you quite as crazy as your own family.  McDonagh just turns it up a notch.  And in true Theatre Pro Rata style, artistic director Carin Bratlie Wethern and her fantastic cast dig into the script and mine it for all the laughs and heartbreak it’s got to give.  There’s nothing quite as seductive as a couple of imperfect people trying to find a little happiness.

“Just an old fellow, singing nonsense.”

Maureen (Amber Bjork) feels more than a little trapped in her childhood home, caring for her aging mother Mag (Sally Wingert).  When the possibility of romance and a way out appears in the return of an old friend, Pato (Grant Henderson), it’s a toss-up who’s going to do more to sabotage the opportunity for a better life, mother Mag or Maureen herself. Pato’s younger brother Ray (Taylor Evans) tries to be helpful, but Mag’s a little too good at outsmarting him at every turn.

“I’d die before I’d let meself be put in a home.”
“Hopefully, aye.”

Anyone who’s ever had to care for a family member - parent, child or sibling - knows it’s the little everyday things, coupled with a relentless sense of obligation, that can make you a little nuts.  Sure you love them, why else would you be there?  But if they do that thing one more time… Mag and Maureen push each other’s buttons with a vengeance, and half the time you’re laughing you’re also gasping because you can’t believe they just said that to each other.  Irish humor can be a little dark, but it doesn’t make it any less funny.

“Don’t you deserve a life?”

Wingert and Bjork are clearly having a ball battling it out on stage together, from the little daily indignities to the major blowouts that pepper the story from start to finish.  It’s great fun watching Pro Rata’s go-to leading lady Bjork giving as good as she gets from an acting powerhouse like Wingert.  They feel so evenly matched here that you’d think they’d been working together for years.  It’s a real treat for the audience to see them going at it.

“It isn’t there I wish I was, but it isn’t here I wish I was either.”

Bjork is also reunited here with Henderson (the two of them and Pro Rata giving me the only production of The Taming of the Shrew that I’ve ever enjoyed).  It’s great to see them sharing a stage together again.  Though the women are clearly the stars of McDonagh’s story, it wouldn’t work without the two hapless gentlemen in their orbit, and Henderson and Evans fill out this world nicely.  Interestingly it isn’t the men who are giving the women their problems here.  Mag and Maureen are their own worst enemies.  Pato and Ray mean well, even if they can’t quite deliver on the promise that the idea of them holds out.  Maureen’s fortunes are going to rise or fall depending on how well she manages her mother, and herself.

“This is a creepy old song.”

I don’t want to spoil the fun, but I have to warn you there is a little violence involved.  No guns, no blood, and I have never been more nervous or more wrong about a fireplace poker, but that’s all the hint I’m giving you.  Just like nothing’s funnier or more exasperating than family, nothing’s more unsettling than watching family turn on each other.  It’s not a horror story where people return from the dead, but there are some twists and turns that make perfect sense that you should see coming but, because of the cleverness of McDonagh and Pro Rata here, you don’t.  And again, those surprises are a lot of the fun.

“Just say, ‘The beauty queen of Leenane says hello.’ That’s all.”

A part of me was dreading this, thinking “Oh, Irish drama, so very bleak.”  And on the one hand, I’m not wrong on that score.  However, the other thing about the Irish dramatists, they can’t help doling out enormous helpings of gallows humor.  The humor makes the drama hit that much harder, and the drama leavens the humor, making it that much more enjoyable.  It’s weird to say I had a lot of fun watching The Beauty Queen of Leenane, but this play, coupled with this theater company, is a perfect match.  Go, and enjoy.

5 stars - Very Highly Recommended

(Photo: Sally Wingert as Mags and Amber Bjork as Maureen in Theatre Pro Rata's production of "The Beauty Queen of Leenane;" photographer - Charles Gorrill)

Writing Challenge – Celebration

Challenge: Write a victory speech. Let the exposition of that speech come out slowly bit by bit so that at the end we realize that it's a very different kind of speech than the one that we thought it was going to be when it started.

Bonus- What's happening around this person talking?

Bonus- Is this a person talking?

Bonus- Make it covertly autobiographical

HAIL AND FAREWELL

                          CHIPPY

I’d like to thank you all for being here.

The turnout is very flattering.

It’s good to know that Zippy and I touched so many lives in such a short time.

It’s also good to know that we’ll never be far from you, quite literally, here in the backyard.

You’ll think of us as you play, and picnic, build snowmen, rake leaves, and even mow the lawn.

Each season of the grass will bring new and different memories of us to your mind.

The wood chips in the box are a nice touch, by the way.  A scent of home to guide us on our journey to what’s next.

I think our proudest moment was when we drove poor Grandma out of the house that one day.  Our escape meant we could be anywhere.  And she wouldn’t set foot in the place until we were safely back in our cage.  She waited in the car for a good hour until you found us.

Everyone tried to reassure the old gal that gerbils aren’t the same as mice, but to her, rodents were rodents, and vermin were vermin.

She never warmed up to us.

But now she’s got the house to herself at last.

Perhaps not.

Perhaps you will replace us.

We were your first pets, not your last.

Maybe another gerbil will one day soon roll around inside our plastic ball.  Much to Grandma’s chagrin.

Of course, she had no way of knowing we were hiding that day in her precious piano.

And you didn’t have the heart to tell her.

We lived a good full life, Zippy and I.

It’s fitting we should pass on within hours of one another, and that I, Chippy, should join Zippy in the same shoebox, which now you bury at the foot of the dogwood tree – the one bit of outside we could see from our perch by the window.

Thank you again for holding such a solemn ceremony for us.

It’s good to know we mattered.

And that you aren’t just throwing our corpses out with the garbage.

Of course now there are some things we will never know, like why none of your names rhymed like ours.

But we will happily feed the dogwood now.

Perhaps we will become the wood chips for someone else’s bed one day.

Farewell, human keepers!

Thanks for the pellets.

Writing Challenge – Incredible Violence

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Somewhere I heard that there are only three ways to make waves in art.  Extremes in sex, violence, or revolution.

CHALLENGE- write incredible violence. If you're the squishy type, it doesn't have to be to a human... but it does have to be for a reason

Bonus- No torture. Torture scenes are static and boring and promote an immoral falsehood that torture is an effective means toward obtaining truth from an unwilling subject.

Bonus- Add in some sex and revolution as well.

Fact- If you don't make yourself blush or think about deleting something that you've written during this challenge, you're doing it wrong.

RAPE AS REVENGE (fair warning)

BEN is beaten up, but conscious.

BEN is secured to a chair by either rope, chains, or duct tape (or some combination thereof).

BEN has no pants or underwear on.

GEORGE has Ben’s dried blood on his gloved fists.

GEORGE also doesn’t have any pants or underwear on.

BEN has duct tape over his mouth.

BEN has tried screaming for help.

GEORGE just waits him out.

BEN eventually exhausts himself.

                          GEORGE

How many times do I have to tell you that there’s no one around for miles before you believe me and stop wasting your breath?

                          BEN

          (semi-audible through tape)

Let!  Me!  Go!

                          GEORGE

I’ll let you go.  When I’m done.

                          BEN

          (semi-audible through tape)

Now!

GEORGE punches BEN.  Repeatedly.

                          BEN

          (semi-audible through tape)

Sonofabitch!

                          GEORGE

You are in no position to dictate terms.

                          BEN

          (semi-audible through tape)

I’m gonna kill you!

                          GEORGE

You’re gonna kill me?

Really?

Like you tried to kill my brother?

                          BEN

          (semi-audible through tape)

Faggot!

                          GEORGE

So original.

You had it right the first time.

You gay-bashed my brother, who actually is gay.

Me?

I’m just trying to make a point.

GEORGE gets down on his knees between BEN’s legs.

                          BEN

          (semi-audible through tape)

No!

                          GEORGE

Relax.  Enjoy it.  You’re not getting out of here til we’re done.

GEORGE gives BEN a blow job, getting Ben good and hard.

BEN tries to resist.

BEN tries not to look.

GEORGE hits BEN to force him to look.

                          GEORGE (cont’d)

You’re going to watch this.

You’re going to feel this.

BEN continues resisting, but a blow job’s a blow job.

And GEORGE is good at this.

                          GEORGE (cont’d)

Now comes the fun part.

GEORGE gets out a condom and some lube.

                          BEN

          (semi-audible through tape)

What the fuck?!

GEORGE puts the condom and lube on BEN’s cock.

GEORGE puts some lube on his own ass.

GEORGE mounts the chair, and then sits down on BEN’s cock.

BEN is screaming incoherently at this point.

GEORGE keeps riding Ben’s cock while he speaks.

GEORGE is also good at this.

GEORGE is stroking himself off to the rhythm of the rise and fall as he rides Ben.

                          GEORGE

I’m getting pretty good at this.

When I found the first one of your gang of gay-bashing punks, it took a while to figure out how to do this in the most efficient and humiliating way possible.

Fucking each of you up the ass seemed like letting you off too easily.

I mean, that’s something gay being done to you.

But if you’re actually participating, against your will, in some full-on buttfucking, well, that’s harder to wipe out of your mind, isn’t it?

If gay sex is this horrible, disgusting thing, something you absolutely had to make sure my little brother never had a chance to participate in again, not without consequence, it seems only right you should be forced to do it.

I’ll take some pictures when we get to the high points.

Oh, look, we’re reaching one of them now.

GEORGE cums all over the front of Ben’s shirt.

Bonus points if he splashes some sperm up in Ben’s face.

GEORGE takes a selfie with his phone.

                          GEORGE (cont’d)

Smile for the camera!

GEORGE keeps riding Ben’s cock.

BEN keeps screaming.

                          GEORGE (cont’d)

I print these out, and I keep copies locked in my brother’s bedside table.

At the hospital.

They say if you talk to a person in a coma, they can hear you.

So I tell him the stories of all you gutless freaks and the way you writhed and struggled under me.  But none of you can avoid cumming.

Your sad little underworked penises always betray you.

So long since they’ve had any real release.

Now that I’ve had the last of you, maybe that’ll be enough.

Maybe that story will bring him back.

Yeah, that’s it.  Let it go.  Let it loose.

It’s so tight and warm.  You can’t help yourself.

Do it!

BEN has tried not to have an orgasm.

But GEORGE’s body is insistent.

BEN cums, in defeat.

                          GEORGE (cont’d)

Wonderful.

Thank you.

GEORGE removes the condom from Ben’s cock, puts it in trash bag he’ll take with him when he leaves.

GEORGE puts antiseptic on a rag and wipes down Ben’s bruised and bloody face.

BEN screams some more as George does so.  It stings, and George isn’t gentle.

GEORGE removes Ben’s shirt.

GEORGE stuffs the shirt and the rag into his trash bag as well.

GEORGE takes another photo, this time of naked Ben.

                          GEORGE (cont’d)

One more for me.

GEORGE does some work on the phone.

                          GEORGE (cont’d)

And also one for the cops.

They’re used to this by now.

They know what it’s about.

I sent the address.

I’ll have to download the photos and ditch the phone, of course.

Taking most of the DNA with me.

Honestly, though, they’re not looking for me.

They’re happy to lock you sick fucks up where you belong.

They’ll come visit me and my brother in the hospital, tell us they caught the last one.

Maybe that’s what’ll bring him out of it.

My brother can walk the streets again now that you’re all behind bars where you belong.

Think of this as your rehearsal for prison.

You’re a nice looking fellow.

You’ll be very popular.

We all deserved better than this, I guess.

But this is what we’ve got.

See you in hell, asshole.

Tell the cops I said hi.

GEORGE leaves the naked and humiliated BEN behind.

Writing Challenge – Dog Days (not really)

Challenge: Write a scene that is written by a dog. It's all about dog world views and
things that are important to dogs.
MAKE IT GOOD
MAKE IT A GOOD BOY
YES IT IS
YES IT IS
IT'S A GOOD, GOOD BOY

Bonus- all dog movies have the dog die at the end. I think your should too
Bonus- don't kill your dog at the end!
Bonus- make it a clear allegory for human problems
Bonus- have a character named God

(Author’s note: Also all about the dogs, normally.  This scene today didn’t go there.  But I’m pocketing this challenge for later - )

TV BOYFRIEND

Morning.

KEN, at a loss, trying and failing to find all the components to try and make a pot of coffee.

JAKE wanders in, still a little foggy, surprised to see KEN in the kitchen before him.

                          JAKE

Here you are.

                          KEN

I was trying to make coffee.

I don’t make coffee.

I don’t drink coffee.

But you drink coffee.

So I was trying to make coffee.

                          JAKE

Yeah, you clearly don’t need coffee.

What’s got you so keyed up, buddy?

                          KEN

I’m sorry.  I’m useless.  Why am I so useless?

                          JAKE

Hey, hey, none of that.

                          KEN

Who doesn’t know how to make coffee?

                          JAKE

People who don’t drink it.

People who have early rising boyfriends who make it for themselves.

People who are normally in bed at this hour so their early rising boyfriends have someone to kiss and manhandle before they roll out of bed and go make coffee.

I missed you.

                          KEN

See?  What was I thinking?

                          JAKE

Put down the coffee pot.  Step away from the filter.

                          KEN

I don’t even have a coffee-maker at home.  At my age.  What kind of strange mutant undercaffeinated freak am I?

                          JAKE

OK.  One, you’re my freak.  Two, the lack of a coffee-maker is easily solved.  At some point in the next week, the two of us will go together to a store, and find you a coffee-maker.

KEN is about to protest.

JAKE cuts him off.

                          JAKE (cont’d)

Don’t worry.  You’re paying for it.  I’m just going along so you know the right one to get.  Because you’re right, if I’m gonna start spending nights at your place – and now that we’re out in the open, I can totally spend nights at your place – you are definitely going to need a coffee-maker.   Three, what’s up?

                          KEN

I don’t think I’m ready.

                          JAKE

For - ?

                          KEN

To be the TV boyfriend.

                          JAKE

The what?

                          KEN

In the interview, you said –

                          JAKE

What interview?

                          KEN

What interview?  THE interview.

                          JAKE

The coming out story.

                          KEN

Yeah.  You were talking about how great it was going to be at the next competition to finally be yourself.  You were blue-skying and saying that maybe some people would be there with rainbow flags – and trust me, Jasper has that covered.  He’s been quizzing me about local gay-owned businesses where he can buy flags and recruit people to come out and cheer you on, and –

                          JAKE

TV boyfriend.

                          KEN

TV boyfriend.  You were talking about how the network’s always doing the personality video packages right before guys do their stunt runs of the day.  Then there’s the little live interview moments.  And then the camera inevitably picks up the friends and family of the skier, and most of the time they’ve got some hot girlfriend waiting for them at the bottom of the slope, and the camera lingers lovingly on them for a few seconds as if to say “What a lucky guy, huh?  He braves danger and this is part of his reward.”

                          JAKE

I said all that?

                          KEN

I’m embellishing.  But something you did directly say was that, you know, guys’ TV girlfriends are a regular part of the coverage and one of these days, someday soon, you really wanted a TV boyfriend.

                          JAKE

And - ?  Now I have one.

                          KEN

How did I not track on the fact that if I supported you in coming out, that our relationship was going to get dragged out into the spotlight with you?

                          JAKE

I don’t know.  But I’m not dragging anyone anywhere, if you’re not comfortable.  But you’re not my dirty little secret I’m keeping hidden away anymore either.  And it’s not like you’re not out.

                          KEN

No.

                          JAKE

I mean, WAY out.

                          KEN

I’m not a pride parade float.

                          JAKE

But everything you write –

                          KEN

Everything I write, I write for other people to perform, to direct, to design, to market.  The face is never mine.

                          JAKE

I like your face.

                          KEN

I just don’t want it to be the face of some sad stereotype.

                          JAKE

The older guy with the younger partner, how is that sad?

                          KEN

Someone’s deluding themselves.

                          JAKE

And by someone, you mean you.

KEN doesn’t respond.

                          JAKE (cont’d)

OK, for starters, you can’t latch on to everything I’m quoted as saying in an interview and assuming it’s the most important thing on my list of priorities.  Half the time, they don’t even get the quote right.

                          KEN

Did they get this one right?

                          JAKE

Yes, but the point still stands.  Interviews go in all kinds of directions, depending on the person asking the questions and the kind of story they want to tell.  If I want or need something from you, I’m going to ask you, directly.  I will not assume you know.  I will not assume you’re reading my clippings and making a scrapbook for me.  I will ask you, probably just like I did when my sister was coming to visit.  So, you’ll know when I’m asking, and you’ll enjoy the warmup act.  OK?

                          KEN

OK.

                          JAKE

And, as unhelpful as it might be right at this moment, can I just take a sec and bask in the glow of a conversation where *you’re* the one who’s feeling insecure about stuff for a change?

                          KEN

Yes.

                          JAKE

‘Cause this isn’t who you are, but it’s also not what I want to turn you into, so how do I help?

                          KEN

This is helping.

                          JAKE

You’re going to be a great TV boyfriend.  You know why?

                          KEN

Why?

                          JAKE

Because you make me look good, and I make you look good.

                          KEN

So the camera cuts to me and -- ?

                          JAKE

And you are looking, not nervously directly into the camera, because you’re never gonna know which camera it is anyway.  You’re gonna be looking up at the top of the hill, where I am.

                          KEN

Terrified.

                          JAKE

Only on the inside.  You know why?

                          KEN

Why?

                          JAKE

Because you know how hard I’ve worked for this.

You know how ready I am for this run.

And you know how much I want to get to the bottom of the hill and find you there waiting for me.

                          KEN

Rather than the paramedics.

                          JAKE

Rather than the paramedics.

                          KEN

So I’m smiling.

                          JAKE

Because you know I’m smiling.

                          KEN

And I’m so proud of you.

                          JAKE

And that is why you’re gonna be the perfect TV boyfriend.

                          KEN

Then the internet searches begin.

                          JAKE

And what are they gonna find?  They’re going to see all the stuff you write and they’re gonna understand how lucky I am, and where I found the courage to finally be myself, fully, for the first time in my life.

                          KEN

You give me too much credit.  I’m just the last step in a journey you’ve been taking your whole life.

                          JAKE

A step I couldn’t have taken if I didn’t see you waiting for me at the end of it.

                          KEN

The celebrity press it gonna chew us up and spit us out.

                          JAKE

Defensive measures.  It’s all about defensive measures.

                          KEN

There’s a list, isn’t there?

                          JAKE

Personal facebook page, private, friends and family only.  Professional facebook page is gonna be more open season.  Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat –

                          KEN

Don’t have Snapchat.

                          JAKE

Excellent.  Don’t start.  Sometimes I feel like I’m a hostage.

                          KEN

My Instagram is currently a complete blank.  I just set one up so I could follow yours.

                          JAKE

Really?  Before you met me?

                          KEN

How do you think I know what you looked like?

                          JAKE

Sports page?

                          KEN

I’m kind of addicted to your smile.  And your torso.

                          JAKE

That’s kind of adorable.

                          KEN

I can’t think of anything embarrassing on my Twitter feed.

                          JAKE

Even if there was, trying to scrub it probably wouldn’t do any good.  There’s too many sites capturing that stuff for it to totally disappear.  Mostly, don’t read the press.

                          KEN

Like theater people not reading reviews?

                          JAKE

You one of them?

                          KEN

Can’t resist the temptation.

                          JAKE

Resist this.  Especially the celebrity rags and the tabloids.  They’ll report that I’m cheating on you with women, with men, with dogs.  They’ll report that you’re cheating on me.  That I or you have AIDS, or any number of other fun sexually transmitted diseases.  Any picture where we look like crap, we’re suddenly deathly ill or hooked on drugs.  Look fat from any angle, they’ll blow that photo up til you look completely grotesque.

                          KEN

Wow.  I have so much to look forward to.

                          JAKE

You know the red flags.  If you want to skip it, I always sift and find the good stuff.  If there’s good coverage, you won’t be able to keep me from putting it under your nose.  And I’m done with secrets, I’m done with lies.  If the news is bad, I trust you with that, too.

                          KEN

I just don’t want to make your life more difficult.  Not now, when you’re finally free.

                          JAKE

I’m free because of you.  My life is better because of you.  You’re gonna be a great TV boyfriend.

                          KEN

Teach me how to make coffee?

                          JAKE

Gladly.  But while it’s brewing, I’m taking you back to bed.