The Thirteenth
Challenge: Self Destruction
So I’m like body
vibrating with yuck hot shivers shaking on the toilet stocking cap under the
covers sick sick
There’s this American
Idealism that we all have seen 10,000 hours of that says that the main
character needs to be trying to get better. Trying to get what they want in a
way that is universally considered to be healthy and/or bettering their condition
if not wise.
After losing a war,
in many countries you see another kind of art where the protagonist wants to
destroy themselves. They did terrible things during the war and for a losing
cause and they hate themselves and everyone and got pushed to their limits
and…. That’s the goal.
The cleansing decent
into a puking puddle on the floor that releases and absolves them.
GOAL: We should feel
their release and be happy for them as they sit freezing cold and naked in a
wheelbarrow covered in horseshit drinking whiskey until they pass out.
OBVIOUS: You should
swap in your personal idea of negative self-destruction and not use mine.
That’s how it will get all good an’ shit.
Right? Right?
(closing in on the end of
act one of the Cymbeline play)
ACTRESS 2 (POSTHUMUS)
Wait. How do you know this?
ACTRESS 1
(IMOGEN/Fidelis)
Honestly! What is wrong with you people?!
ACTRESS 3 drops her puppet arm to become CYMBELINE.
ACTOR 2 joins the group as both PISANIO and with
the puppet BELARIUS.
ACTOR 1 joins the group as ARVIRAGUS.
And ACTRESS 2 activates her puppet arm to make
GUIDERIUS part of the visiting group to the dungeon.
ACTRESS 3 (CYMBELINE)
She
knows this because she is my daughter.
ACTRESS 2 (POSTHUMUS) bows.
ACTRESS 2 (POSTHUMUS)
Your
majesty.
ACTRESS 3 (CYMBELINE)
Posthumus,
I'm told you fought against the Romans in my defense. Why are you down here with the other
prisoners?
ACTRESS 2 (POSTHUMUS)
Well,
the war was over, I thought your daughter was dead, so I was a little
depressed.
ACTRESS 3 (CYMBELINE)
Well,
if you still wish to be executed -
ACTRESS 2 (POSTHUMUS)
No,
no. That's fine. All better now.
ACTRESS 2 (POSTHUMUS) turns to ACTRESS 1
(IMOGEN/Fidelis).
And waits.
Arms open.
Smiling.
Expectantly.
ACTRESS 2 (POSTHUMUS)
(cont’d)
Well?
ACTRESS 1
(IMOGEN/Fidelis)
Well
what?
ACTRESS 2 (POSTHUMUS)
Reunion
time!
ACTRESS 1
(IMOGEN/Fidelis)
I
don't think so.
ACTRESS 2 (POSTHUMUS)
But
- you're alive. I'm a hero. No longer in exile.
(quickly, to CYMBELINE)
Right?
ACTRESS 3 (CYMBELINE)
Oh
yes, you're free to come back - well, I guess you're already back - so you're
free to stay.
ACTRESS 2 (POSTHUMUS)
So,
you know, I realize your dad kind of stepped on the reunion, after you
discovered, you know, because of Iachimo and the ring, the misunderstanding,
and here I was, after all this time.
You'd leap into my arms, and I'd momentarily reject you, in confusion, you
know, because you're dressed as a boy, ha ha, gay panic –
ACTOR 1 (ARVIRAGUS)
Fidelis?
ACTRESS 1
(IMOGEN/Fidelis)
Hi. Surprise.
ACTRESS 2 (GUIDERIUS,
puppet)
We
thought you were dead.
ACTOR 1 (ARVIRAGUS)
And
that wolves had really quickly devoured your corpse.
ACTRESS 1
(IMOGEN/Fidelis)
(to PISANIO)
Hey,
what was in that potion you gave me?!
ACTOR 2 (PISANIO)
The
royal physician Cornelius swore to me that it was perfectly harmless.
Now, ACTRESS 2 has to also pick up the puppet to be
CORNELIUS.
ACTRESS 2 (CORNELIUS,
puppet)
The
queen wanted access to some poison, which I thought was a bad idea, so I
substituted something that would make a person only appear to be dead,
temporarily, wink wink, and then revive shortly thereafter.
Oh,
by the way, bad news, the Queen is dead.
ACTRESS 3 (CYMBELINE)
Dead? That was sudden.
ACTRESS 2 (CORNELIUS,
puppet)
I
believe she died of a broken heart.
Despairing
over the fate of her missing son.
Wink
wink.
ACTRESS 2 tosses the CORNELIUS puppet onto the
puppet body pile.
ACTRESS 1 reanimates the QUEEN puppet on her arm.
ACTRESS 1 (QUEEN,
puppet)
Yes,
because that seems likely.
I
call shenanigans.
ACTRESS 1 drops her puppet arm again.
ACTRESS 3 (CYMBELINE)
Her
son?
Oh
that's right. Cloten. He never came back.
ACTRESS 2 (GUIDERIUS,
puppet)
I
- might - have cut his head off.
ACTRESS 3 (CYMBELINE)
He
was your stepbrother!
ACTRESS 2 (GUIDERIUS,
puppet)
He
was very rude.
ACTRESS 3 (CYMBELINE)
Well,
you didn't know.
And
it was a very understandable, violent, manly impulse. Good for you.
ACTOR 1 (ARVIRAGUS) tosses the CLOTEN puppet onto
the pile of puppet bodies.
ACTRESS 2 (GUIDERIUS,
puppet)
Thanks,
second dad.
Sorry,
first dad.
ACTOR 2 (BELARIUS, puppet)
That's
OK. You two should bond.
ACTRESS 3 (CYMBELINE)
Boys,
meet your sister!
Imogen,
these are your two long lost brothers, Guiderius and Arviragus, returned to us!
It's
a long story.
ACTRESS 1
(IMOGEN/Fidelis)
We've
already met.
But
they told me their names were Polydore and Cadwal.
ACTOR 1 (ARVIRAGUS)
We
really thought our names were Polydore and Cadwal.
ACTRESS 1
(IMOGEN/Fidelis)
I
was hiding my identity.
ACTOR 2 (BELARIUS,
puppet)
I
was hiding their identities.
ACTRESS 3 (CYMBELINE)
(delighted)
No
more hiding!
ACTOR 2 tosses the BELARIUS puppet onto the pile of
puppet bodies.
ACTRESS 3 (CYMBELINE)
(cont’d)
And
Imogen, because your brothers are now first in line for succession on the
throne, you can marry whoever you like!
ACTRESS 2 (POSTHUMUS)
And
she already has!
ACTRESS 1
(IMOGEN/Fidelis)
She's
reconsidering.
ACTRESS 3 (CYMBELINE)
Of
course, if you want an annulment, we can make that happen.
ACTRESS 2 (POSTHUMUS)
Why
would she want an annulment?
ACTRESS 1 (IMOGEN/Fidelis)
YOU
TRIED TO HAVE ME KILLED!
You
believed the lies of a scoundrel -
(to IACHIMO)
No
offense.
ACTRESS 3 (IACHIMO,
puppet)
None
taken. Lying scoundrel are two of my
best qualities.
ACTRESS 1
(IMOGEN/Fidelis)
You
believed him - a virtual stranger - over your own wife, who you said you loved.
ACTRESS 2 (POSTHUMUS)
I
did! I do!
ACTRESS 1
(IMOGEN/Fidelis)
You've
got a weird way of showing it.
ACTRESS 2 (POSTHUMUS)
I
loved you so much, I couldn't live in a world where you had betrayed me.
ACTRESS 1
(IMOGEN/Fidelis)
No,
you couldn't let ME live in a world where I had betrayed you.
ACTRESS 2 (POSTHUMUS)
Yes,
but I felt bad about it, and I went to war hoping to get myself killed, too.
ACTRESS 1
(IMOGEN/Fidelis)
You're
forgetting the fact that I didn't even betray you - and you never bothered to
check with me before hiring an assassin.
ACTRESS 2 (POSTHUMUS)
I
was blinded by love?
ACTRESS 1
(IMOGEN/Fidelis)
You
can see this isn't your strongest argument, right?
ACTRESS 2 (POSTHUMUS)
What
would be a stronger argument?
ACTRESS 1
(IMOGEN/Fidelis)
Honestly,
I don't think you have one.
ACTOR 1 (ARVIRAGUS)
Second
dad?
ACTRESS 3 (CYMBELINE)
Yes,
Arviragus?
ACTOR 1 (ARVIRAGUS)
Since
Guiderius is the eldest child, as long as he wants the throne - ?
ACTRESS 2 (GUIDERIUS,
puppet)
And
I do.
ACTOR 1 (ARVIRAGUS)
And
he does - does that mean that, like Imogen, I am also free to woo - and perhaps
marry, whomever I wish?
ACTRESS 3 (CYMBELINE)
Shouldn't
be a problem.
ACTOR 1 (ARVIRAGUS)
Great! Can Pisanio come to the welcome home
party? As my guest?
ACTRESS 3 (CYMBELINE)
Uh
- sure.
ACTOR 1 (ARVIRAGUS)
Thanks,
second dad!
(to PISANIO)
Would
you like to attend the party as my guest?
ACTOR 2 (PISANIO)
Very
much.
ACTOR 1 (ARVIRAGUS)
Great!
ACTOR 1 (ARVIRAGUS) puts his arm around ACTOR 2
(PISANIO) who leans his head on Actor 1’s shoulder.
ACTRESS 3 (CYMBELINE)
My
children have all been returned to me!
ACTRESS 2 tosses the GUIDERIUS puppet onto the
puppet body pile.
ACTRESS 3 (CYMBELINE)
(cont’d)
I'm
feeling very generous. No
executions! All is forgiven! Everyone is free to go, or to party!
ACTOR 2 reanimates the LUCIUS puppet on his arm.
ACTOR 2 (LUCIUS,
puppet)
About
that issue of tribute?
ACTRESS 3 (CYMBELINE)
That
decision was all just the bad advice of my queen.
ACTRESS 1 reanimates the QUEEN puppet on her arm
one last time.
ACTRESS 1 (QUEEN,
puppet)
Typical. Blame it on the dead woman.
ACTRESS 1 tosses the QUEEN puppet onto the pile of
puppet bodies.
ACTRESS 3 (CYMBELINE)
Tribute
shall again be paid faitfully.
ACTOR 2 (LUCIUS,
puppet)
Then
you may keep your throne.
ACTOR 2 tosses the LUCIUS puppet onto the puppet
body pile.
ACTRESS 3 (CYMBELINE)
Party
time!
ACTRESS 2 (POSTHUMUS)
Am
I also welcome?
ACTRESS 3 (CYMBELINE)
All
are welcome!
ACTRESS 1
(IMOGEN/Fidelis)
Attend
if you wish. I won't be sitting with
you.
ACTRESS 3 (IACHIMO,
puppet)
Cheer
up, buddy. There are lots of babes at
these royal shindigs. You're bound to
meet someone new. Maybe you'll meet
someone who you love, but not quite so much that you want to have her killed.
ACTRESS 2 (POSTHUMUS)
Or
maybe I'll meet a woman who I believe over strangers who want to tear us apart.
ACTRESS 3 (IACHIMO,
puppet)
That
is also a good thing. But most of that's
on you, buddy.
ACTRESS 2 (POSTHUMUS)
Only
two people died, and everyone's mostly reunited.
ACTRESS 3 (IACHIMO,
puppet)
I
guess that makes it a comedy.
ACTRESS 3 drops the IACHIMO puppet last of all onto
the puppet body pile.
ACTRESS 1
(IMOGEN/Fidelis)
And
we all lived, more or less, happily ever after.
The human actors stand in the midst of the lifeless
pile of puppets.
ACTOR 1 (ARVIRAGUS) and
ACTOR 2 (PISANIO)
Fear
no more the heat of the sun,
Nor
the furious winter's rages;
ACTRESS 3 (CYMBELINE)
Thou
thy worldly task hast done,
Home
art gone, and ta'en thy wages;
ACTRESS 1 (IMOGEN/Fidelis) and ACTRESS 2
(POSTHUMUS)
Golden
lads and girls all must,
As
chimney-sweepers, come to dust.
END OF ACT ONE
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