Challenge: Gosh, you're a terrible writer. No. Really. Total
hack job. The WORST.
...but I say, own it.
Write a bad play. No, not just a bad play, the WORST play.
Nope! I know what your'e thinking- worse than that. C'mon,
you've seen bad theater. You know bad writing. You're an expert. You can do
this. I know you have it in you. I've seen you're work. You're terrible.
(wink!)
(INSTEAD OF A TITLE - CAN
YOU APOLOGIZE FOR A PLAY BEFORE YOU EVEN WRITE IT? I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD APOLOGIZE JUST FOR
THINKING ABOUT THIS PLAY.)
BETTY confronts BOB.
BETTY
And
just where do you think you’re going, Bob?
BOB
Well,
Betty, as you know, I am your husband’s gay lover. I have been for three years.
BETTY
But
my husband, Bill, and I have only been married for two.
BOB
Clearly
you were never able to give him what I can give him.
BETTY
A
cock up the ass.
BOB
Not
to mention a decent blow job.
BETTY
It’s
all about the penis, isn’t it?
BOB
We
shouldn’t forget a good hand job. You’re
apparently horrible at that as well.
BETTY
Penis,
penis, penis.
BOB
Your
husband loves my penis.
BETTY
Well,
he could marry your penis. It’s legal
now. Why doesn’t he?
BOB
He
pities you. He wonders what would happen
if he ever left you.
BETTY
You
tell him he can keep his pity.
BOB
Tell
him yourself. He’ll be here any minute.
BETTY
You
arranged for us all to meet?
BOB
It’s
time we had this out.
BETTY
Well,
since it’s probably the last time I’ll see either of you, and good riddance,
let me see it.
BOB
See
what?
BETTY
Your
magical gay penis. Whip it out. Let me see the wonder cock that ruined my
marriage.
BOB
This
schlong of mine means that your marriage was beyond ruining to begin with. My dong means your marriage was nothing but a
hopeless joke from the start.
BETTY
C’mon! Let me see it then.
BOB
You
sad little woman.
BOB gets out his penis.
BETTY whips out a carving knife and cuts off BOB’s
penis.
BOB collapses to the floor, bleeding in agony.
BETTY examines the bloody penis in her hand.
BETTY
Hmm…
doesn’t look like much.
BOB
You
bitch!
BETTY
Who’s
a hopeless joke now, bitch? Have fun
bleeding to death.
BOB
You’re
not even going to call an ambulance.
BETTY
So
they can reattach your marriage-killing abomination of a penis? Not a chance.
BOB
At
least get down here so I can give you a proper goodbye.
BETTY
Oh,
you want to tell me how much you hate me to my face while you flop around on
the floor in a pool of your own blood?
BOB
You
know me well.
BETTY
Sure. What the hell. Your words can’t hurt me now.
BETTY leans down.
BOB grabs the knife and stabs BETTY repeatedly.
BOB
Die,
cunt, die!
BETTY
Killed
by a fag!
BOB
At
least I’ll save Bill and his wonderful penis from you!
BETTY
Bill,
my husband, deserves to be alone. He
deserves both of us dead. He deserves to
know he caused it all.
BOB
Now
he can go out and find a man to make him happy, free of your arms around his neck.
BETTY
Or
he can start again and get it right with a woman in the first place.
BOB
Nice
knowing you, bitch.
BETTY
Rot
in hell, cockless wonder fag!
BOB dies.
BILL enters.
BILL
My
wife! My lover! What have you done!
BETTY
Bob,
your gay lover, is dead. I hacked off
his penis, and then he stabbed me in the gut.
BILL
At
least he didn’t damage your tiny black heart.
BETTY
You
both cut my heart out of my chest years ago.
BILL
I
can’t save my gay lover Bob, but I could still save you.
BETTY
Why
would you want to?
BILL
Rest. I’ll get you help.
BETTY
Bill,
you do care.
BILL
I’m
calling my friend Doctor Brad right now.
BETTY
Brad,
the plastic surgeon.
BILL
The
very one. Hush. Rest now.
BETTY passes out.
BILL (cont’d)
Oh
Bob, my gay lover, forgive me.
I
can’t save you.
But
I can save your wonderful penis.
BILL grabs the penis.
BILL (cont’d)
Our
gay surgeon friend Brad will be more than happy to attach your penis to my
homicidal wife.
Then
I can finally bring your penis into our marriage.
On
the surface, we’ll be a normal couple.
But
at night when we have sex, it will be you inside me again, not her.
She
deserves to be the freak she always feared.
And
your cock will live on!
THE END
I’m so sorry.
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