Challenge: Serious Sandwich
Write something ultra comedic in style that dips in the
middle with something very personal and serious (the meat) and then ends again
with comedic style. The end can be
bittersweet, or maybe truly hilarious now knowing what we know.
MISTLETOE
RICCO enters.
He’s wearing some form of headgear with mistletoe prominently attached
to it. Could be a baseball cap. Could be a more elaborate holiday hat. Could be just a refashioned wire hanger
contraption to comfortably be worn on one’s head.
SHARON enters.
They look at one another a moment.
Then she focuses on the headgear.
SHARON
That
seems a little desperate.
RICCO
It’s
a joke.
SHARON
A
joke.
RICCO
A
holiday-related party joke.
SHARON
So
you’re not expecting people to kiss you?
RICCO
I’m
not expecting it, no. If I should be
kissed, however, I will not be surprised.
SHARON continues to assess RICCO in their shared
awkward silence and lights subtly shift to another area of the part as –
LILY enters from one side of the stage.
CHERYL enters from the other.
They see one another.
They both produce mistletoe and wave it enticingly
over their own heads.
CHERYL
Hey,
Lily.
LILY
Hey,
Cheryl.
They slowly approach one another.
They each move their mistletoe above the other person’s
head.
They kiss.
They enjoy it for a bit.
CHERYL and LILY continue to enjoy kissing as lights
subtly shift emphasis back to SHARON and RICCO.
SHARON
Oh,
so this is an easy out.
RICCO
What?
SHARON
For
any people who might be inclined to kiss you.
They can just blame it on the mistletoe.
RICCO
Oh. Yeah.
I guess.
SHARON
You
had something else in mind?
RICCO
More
of an ice-breaker kind of thing.
SHARON
So,
you’re talking to someone, you’re getting along –
RICCO
Maybe
they’re wondering, “Should I kiss the guy?”
SHARON
You’re
wondering “Should I kiss the woman?”
RICCO
We
can reference the mistletoe. And it’s
the holidays. And it’s a party.
SHARON
So
it’s an easy out.
RICCO
I
was thinking of it more as bringing people together.
` SHARON
As
a joke.
RICCO
Good
natured holiday fun.
SHARON
With
saliva.
RICCO
You’re
framing it as a way to keep your distance.
SHARON
Can
you blame me?
RICCO
No.
Awkward silence descends again on SHARON and RICCO,
while LILY and CHERYL continue enjoying another’s company under their own
mistletoe, as –
Lights subtly shift to where GARY enters, pursued
by DAN, waving mistletoe over his head.
GARY
Stop
waving that thing in my direction, Dan.
DAN
It’s
Christmas, Gary.
GARY
You
are a horrible wingman.
DAN
What?
GARY
The
worst.
DAN
What
kind of hetero sidekick would I be if I didn’t take a break from my girlfriend
for a little bit to make sure you were enjoying yourself at the party?
GARY
While
I appreciate the sentiment, you’ve been hovering for a while now. It’s having the unintended side effect of
making other people think we’re a couple.
DAN
So
give us a kiss.
GARY
And
confirm for the few possible other available gay men at this party that I’m not
on the market? See? This is why you’re a horrible wingman.
DAN
Oh. Sorry.
Awkward silence descends on GARY and DAN, while
LILY and CHERYL continue enjoying one another’s company under the mistletoe,
and lights subtly shift the emphasis back to RICCO and SHARON.
SHARON
Don’t
get me wrong. I’m glad you’re here. It’s nice that Cheryl invited you.
RICCO
She
warned you, right?
SHARON
Of
course.
RICCO
I
asked her to warn you.
SHARON
She
did. Not necessary, but polite of you
both.
A slightly less awkward silence descends on SHARON
and RICCO, as GARY and DAN continue trying to think through their wingman
problem, and emphasis subtly shifts the light back to LILY and CHERYL.
Their kissing has run its course for now.
They part, sigh.
LILY
I
miss college.
CHERYL
Me,
too.
LILY
I
love holiday parties.
CHERYL
Me,
too.
LILY
You
drunk?
CHERYL
Stone
cold sober, lady.
LILY
Good
to hear.
CHERYL
Darling,
if I wasn’t into you, there wouldn’t be enough eggnog in the continental United
States to make that kind of magic happen.
Lights subtly shift emphasis back to GARY and DAN.
The mistletoe is starting to make things awkward
again.
GARY
Go
wave that thing over Lily’s head for a while.
DAN
I
just don’t want you to think you’re alone.
The holidays suck when you’re alone.
GARY
I’m
not alone. I’m quite literally
surrounded by straight people. I’m
feeling very included and festive. No
worries.
DAN
You’ll
find the guy. He’s out there.
GARY
Well,
doesn’t look like I’m gonna find him this year.
DAN
Brand
new year’s right around the corner.
GARY
Whee!
Lights subtly shift the emphasis back to RICCO and
SHARON, as he tries to buoy the conversation again.
RICCO
Some
friends just refuse to be in the custody of one side or the other in a breakup.
SHARON
Cheryl’s
stubborn that way.
RICCO
“Just
because you guys couldn’t make it work – “
SHARON and RICCO
(cont’d)
“
– doesn’t mean I should have to lose a friend, too.”
RICCO (cont’d)
You’re
looking good.
SHARON
Thanks. You, too.
RICCO
Life
treating you well?
SHARON
It
is.
RICCO
Anyone
special?
SHARON
Not
tonight.
RICCO
I’m
kind of taking a break, too.
SHARON
Probably
wise.
RICCO
‘Til
you figure out what mistake you made, it’s hard to keep yourself from repeating
it.
SHARON
This
is true.
Awkward silence descends again as lights subtly
shift the emphasis back to LILY and CHERYL.
LILY
See
you New Year’s Eve?
CHERYL
Absolutely.
LILY
I
should get back to my date.
CHERYL
Me,
too.
LILY and CHERYL head back off in the directions
from which they appeared, calling out for their dates in the crowd.
LILY
Dan?
CHERYL
Roger?
They exit as lights subtly shift emphasis back to
DAN and GARY.
DAN wiggles the mistletoe.
GARY (cont’d)
Honestly. You’re a child.
GARY pecks DAN on the lips swiftly.
GARY (cont’d)
Happy? Mission accomplished?
DAN
You
call that a holiday kiss?
GARY plants one on DAN.
It takes a moment or two.
Then he turns to go. Over his shoulder as he leaves -
GARY
Say
hi to Lily for me.
DAN
Yeah.
DAN looks like he’s been hit by a truck.
And it’s a truck he’s not entirely sure he didn’t
enjoy.
He looks at the mistletoe for answers.
They are not forthcoming.
A bewildered DAN touches his lips as light subtly
shifts emphasis one last time back to RICCO and SHARON.
A charged moment of silence between them.
RICCO
Merry
Christmas, Sharon.
SHARON leans in and kisses RICCO on the cheek.
SHARON
Merry
Christmas, Ricco.
RICCO looks at SHARON, unsure.
SHARON (cont’d)
Mistletoe.
She leaves.
He watches her go.
RICCO and DAN stand alone in different parts of the
party with their respective mistletoe.
Lights slowly fade.
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