NWC #6- "Dildo
Farce" DUE Nov 7th at 8am
In Farce, we start with a
normal world and then some normal problem occurs. The (illogical?) lack of solving that problem
devolves the play into ever increasing-panic and hilarity.
THE SOLUTION?
Deux Ex Machina- someone
comes in at the last second (God? Nobility?) and saves the day. They need no
explanation as they are accepted by the society as inherently plausible. In
Chicago, I'm going to use the brain behind the Cubs' World Series win- Theo
Epstein.
Challenge: Write a farce
that begins quite normally, and ends in
Bonus: Dildos make an appearance
for a use "not intended by the manufacturer". LOTS and LOTS of them.
Bonus: Everyone in the
play is VERY OLD
DILDO KITCHEN
A
church basement.
A
cadre of older women in the kitchen, preparing food for the gathering after a
funeral.
A
cadre of older men, waiting with varying degrees of patience for access to said
food.
CONSTANCE
is using an enormous black dildo as a rolling pin as she prepares another pie
crust.
She
holds it aloft for a second and peruses it.
CONSTANCE
I
worry that this is somehow racist.
EDWARD
Could
you worry about it after the pie's in the oven?
CONSTANCE
There's
already a pie in the oven, you'll get your ever-lovin' pie in good time,
Edward. Meantime, shut your piehole.
FELICITY
Are
you worried it's racist because it's large AND black?
EDWARD
Or
because George always liked his men large and black?
CONSTANCE
Honestly,
I'm sorry I brought it up.
MARIAN is using a bright pink dildo to press
patterns into a tray of cookie dough.
MARIAN
We
did wash all these before we brought them into the kitchen, right?
CONSTANCE
For
the seventy times seventh time, Marian, yes.
They've been thoroughly disinfected.
MARIAN
Do
we put them in the dishwasher when we're done?
CONSTANCE
No,
dear. We'll rinse them off and they'll
all go in recycling.
MARIAN
They're
recyclable?
CONSTANCE
Yes,
George became very eco-friendly in his later years.
MARIAN
Recyclable
dildos. Imagine that.
FELICITY has been arranging an assortment of dildos
in a rainbow of colors in a large flower vase as a centerpiece.
FELICITY
I'm
quite fond of this one. It lights up
inside when you press on the head.
MARIAN
Does
it go off by itself? We don't want it to
overheat before the buffet is served.
FELICITY
Oh
no, you can turn it off if you grab the ball sack.
MARIAN
That
is a very clever design.
FELICITY
Who
knew?
EDWARD
Well,
George knew. Obviously.
EDWARD reaches for a plate of cookies which have
already been completed.
CONSTANCE swats his hand with the big black dildo.
EDWARD (cont'd)
Ow! That hurt, woman.
CONSTANCE
Well,
I could always get George's big, black, recently widowed boyfriend down
here. That'd probably hurt more.
FELICITY
George's
wishes were very specific.
MARIAN
The
expected spread of sweets and pastries to lift people's spirits. Brightly colored centerpieces.
CONSTANCE
All
prepared, as much as it is possible, with George's impressive and varied dildo
collection.
EDWARD
Why
does one person need this many dildos anyway?
MARIAN
He
does have a boyfriend, after all.
CONSTANCE
A
person likes a little variety now and again.
FELICITY
Speaking
from experience, Constance?
CONSTANCE
I
might be. Not that it'd be any of your
business.
MARIAN
I
suppose a boyfriend can get tired and need a break every now and again.
EDWARD
A
man is never that tired.
FELICITY
I
think we'll be careful about letting you speak for all the male of the species,
Edward.
EDWARD
How
in blazes did we get on this subject anyway?
CONSTANCE
I
think it might have something to do with being surrounded by dildos.
MARIAN
Well,
it does make you think less about death.
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