THE TWELFTH
CHALLENGE:
Wikipedia: Twelfth
Night, or What You Will is a comedy by William Shakespeare, believed to have
been written around 1601–1602 as a Twelfth Night's entertainment for the
close of the Christmas season. The play centres on the twins Viola and Sebastian, who are separated in a
shipwreck. Viola (who is disguised as Cesario) falls in love with Duke Orsino,
who in turn is in love with the Countess Olivia. Upon meeting Viola, Countess
Olivia falls in love with her thinking she is a man.
Right. Great. So,
what I’m getting out of this in this moment is a gender fluid Christmas
adventure love story.
Challenge:
Rewrite Twelfth Night. A gender fluid drunken Christmas adventure love story.
Rule: No Santas.
Want a little more
COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY (because you’re brilliant without trivial or
justification) dramaturgy to inspire you?
A popular Twelfth
Night tradition was to have a bean and pea hidden inside a Twelfth-night cake;
the "man who finds the bean in his slice of cake becomes King for the
night while the lady who finds a pea in her slice of cake becomes Queen for the
night. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twelfth_Night_(holiday)
And
People could be
drinking 'lambswool' from a large communal wassailing bowl.
Wassail is a hot,
mulled punch often associated with Yuletide,
drunk from a 'wassailing bowl'. The earliest versions were warmed mead into which roasted crab apples were dropped and burst to
create a drink called 'lambswool' drunk on Lammas day, still known in
Shakespeare's time.
(Twelfth Night is my
second favorite Shakespeare play, so I’m definitely digging into this one
later. For now, more of a different Shakespeare
play)
Meanwhile, down in the dungeon –
ACTRESS 3 dashes over and picks up the IACHIMO
puppet for the following -
ACTRESS 1
(IMOGEN/Fidelis)
Where
did you get that ring?!
ACTRESS 3 (IACHIMO,
puppet)
This
ring?
ACTRESS 1
(IMOGEN/Fidelis)
Wait! I know you!
You scoundrel!
ACTRESS 3 (IACHIMO,
puppet)
I've
never met you before in my life, boy.
Though it does appear you know me well.
ACTRESS 1
(IMOGEN/Fidelis)
You
men don't spend much time looking at a woman's face at all, do you?
ACTRESS 3 (IACHIMO,
puppet)
When
you grow a little hair on your chin, boy, you'll understand that there are much
more important parts of a woman you'll want to be focusing your attention on.
The withering stare from ACTRESS 1 (IMOGEN/Fidelis)
unsettles ACTRESS 2 (IACHIMO, puppet) just enough to cause him to rephrase
himself on the fly.
ACTRESS 3 (IACHIMO,
puppet) (cont’d)
Such
as her brain - and her sense of humor - and her personality.
ACTRESS 1
(IMOGEN/Fidelis)
You
took that ring from another man.
ACTRESS 3 (IACHIMO,
puppet)
I
didn't have to take it, he willingly gave it to me.
ACTRESS 1
(IMOGEN/Fidelis)
It
was a token from his beloved.
ACTRESS 3 (IACHIMO,
puppet)
Formerly
beloved. I convinced him his lady was
untrue.
ACTRESS 1
(IMOGEN/Fidelis)
How?
ACTRESS 3 (IACHIMO,
puppet)
Well,
it wasn't nearly as fun as I'd hoped it would be. The lady was, inexplicably, resistant to my
charms. So I had to improvise. I hid myself in her room until she fell
asleep, memorized some of the key elements of the decor, stole a bracelet off
her arm which was a token from the gullible young man (the bracelet, not her
arm), and got a little peek at the birthmark on her -
ACTRESS 1
(IMOGEN/Fidelis)
OK,
OK, that's enough.
ACTRESS 3 (IACHIMO,
puppet)
But
we're all about to die. Might as well
confess my sins.
ACTRESS 1
(IMOGEN/Fidelis)
You're
enjoying it too much.
ACTRESS 3 (IACHIMO,
puppet)
Sinning
wouldn't be worth doing if it wasn't fun, am I right?
ACTRESS 1
(IMOGEN/Fidelis)
Then
you're going to have some more fun confessing to the man you wronged. Come on.
Meanwhile, in another part of the dungeon, in a
strangely colored pool of light, ACTRESS 2 (POSTHUMUS)'s sleep is troubled by
dreams.
This takes the form of a visitation by five sock
puppets.
ACTRESS 1 takes on the role of sock PUPPET MOTHER.
ACTRESS 3 takes on the role of sock PUPPET FATHER.
ACTOR 1 takes on the roles of sock PUPPET BROTHERS
1 and 2.
ACTRESS 3 (PUPPET
FATHER)
Jupiter!
ACTRESS 1 (PUPPET
MOTHER)
Great
Jupiter!
ACTOR 1 (PUPPET
BROTHER #1)
Lord
of the Gods!
ACTOR 1 (PUPPET
BROTHER #2) (cont’d)
We,
the dead relatives of Posthumus, cry out to you for relief!
ACTRESS 2 (POSTHUMUS)
What
the hell is going on?
ACTRESS 3 (PUPPET
FATHER)
We
are the sock puppets of your subconscious, my son!
ACTRESS 1 (PUPPET
MOTHER)
Here
to implore on your behalf!
ACTOR 1 (PUPPET
BROTHER #1)
Our
family has suffered enough loss at the hands of uncaring playwrights!
ACTOR 1 (PUPPET
BROTHER #2) (cont’d)
Your
other puppet brother and I, both lost in the wars!
ACTRESS 2 (POSTHUMUS)
What
wars?
ACTRESS 1 (PUPPET
MOTHER)
It's
just vague exposition, my son. Roll with
it.
ACTOR 1 (PUPPET
BROTHER #2)
Lost
in the wars! Mama and papa,
grief-stricken, died of a broken heart.
ACTOR 1 (PUPPET
BROTHER #1) (cont’d)
Hearts.
ACTOR 1 (PUPPET
BROTHER #2) (cont’d)
What?
ACTOR 1 (PUPPET
BROTHER #1) (cont’d)
Broken
hearts, plural, mama and papa, more than one heart.
ACTOR 1 (PUPPET
BROTHER #2) (cont’d)
It
was as if they had only one heart, too weak to bear the tragic loss of their
children!
ACTRESS 2 (POSTHUMUS)
But
they still had me.
ACTOR 1 (PUPPET
BROTHER #1)
Not
enough!
ACTOR 1 (PUPPET
BROTHER #2) (cont’d)
They
loved us too much!
ACTOR 1 (PUPPET
BROTHER #1) (cont’d)
And
you, apparently, too little.
ACTRESS 2 (POSTHUMUS)
This
is my dream. Why am I getting all this
attitude?
ACTRESS 3 (PUPPET
FATHER)
Don't
try to push your issues with low self-esteem off on us.
ACTRESS 1 (PUPPET
MOTHER)
The
only hope of saving the great name of Posthumus from extinction, is to exhort
the gods!
ACTOR 2 takes on the role of sock PUPPET JUPITER,
king of the gods.
ACTOR 2 (PUPPET JUPITER)
All
right, all right! Pipe down,
already. The puppet ex machina has
arrived. It is I, Jupiter!
ACTRESS 3 (PUPPET
FATHER)
Great
Jupiter!
ACTOR 2 (PUPPET
JUPITER)
Yeah,
yeah, I heard all that. Get on with it.
ACTRESS 1 (PUPPET
MOTHER)
Forbid
the unnecessary and untimely death of our last remaining son!
ACTRESS 3 (PUPPET
FATHER)
He
may not be much -
ACTRESS 2 (POSTHUMUS)
Hey!
ACTRESS 3 (PUPPET
FATHER)
But
he is the only hope of continuing our great lineage.
ACTOR 2 (PUPPET JUPITER)
You
could have saved yourself - and me - a lot of caterwauling if you just waited a
scene or two. All hidden identities will
be revealed, all couples reunited, and two great nations will once again live
in harmony. But you have to be a little
patient. This story's way too
complicated for a quick and easy wrap-up.
ACTRESS 1 drops her puppet arm and again becomes
IMOGEN/Fidelis; and
ACTRESS 3 drops one puppet arm and reanimates the
IACHIMO puppet on the other; and
The two of them appear, in order to rouse ACTRESS 2
(POSTHUMUS) from sleep.
ACTRESS 1
(IMOGEN/Fidelis)
Posthumus! Wake up!
All the sock puppets abruptly fly off into the dark
and ACTRESS 2 (POSTHUMUS) just as suddenly sits up, wide awake.
ACTRESS 2 (POSTHUMUS)
I
thought with a dream like that, I'd wake up and not still be in a dungeon.
ACTRESS 1
(IMOGEN/Fidelis)
Well,
you are in a dungeon. And you're a
moron.
ACTRESS 2 (POSTHUMUS)
Hey,
I've got sock puppets for abuse like that.
ACTRESS 1
(IMOGEN/Fidelis)
Tell
him.
ACTRESS 3 (IACHIMO,
puppet)
You're
gullible. I lied. Your lady was not untrue.
ACTRESS 2 (POSTHUMUS)
Really? Man, I wish I hadn't had her killed.
ACTRESS 1
(IMOGEN/Fidelis)
You
didn't!
ACTRESS 2 (POSTHUMUS)
I
didn't?
ACTRESS 1
(IMOGEN/Fidelis)
Well,
you did. But the servant you sent to do
it actually had a conscience, and a questioning mind, so he didn't carry out
your ridiculous vendetta.
ACTRESS 2 (POSTHUMUS)
I
find myself relieved to hear that.
ACTRESS 1
(IMOGEN/Fidelis)
Well,
bully for you.
ACTRESS 2 (POSTHUMUS)
Wait. How do you know this?
ACTRESS 1
(IMOGEN/Fidelis)
Honestly! What is wrong with you people?!
(to be continued)
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